Daily Thoughts 4.26.13 – Overly Emotional

With news of unexpected surgery — and the long process of the unknown that lead up to this news — I have been what I would consider an emotional nutcase lately. Those of you who know me well know that I like to be busy and I am more productive the busier I am. So this whole not working thing has been driving me crazy. I went from working three jobs to now kind-of working one. I have been going to physical therapy to learn how to walk without limping and learning to trust that my leg that I can’t really feel is actually there. It leaves me walking very slowly and cautiously, but I can walk without limping which is ultimately better for my back.

Yesterday I was leaving my night class and I was in a fair amount of pain after sitting for two hours, so I was slowly inching my way toward my car. I felt like a snail. All of the sudden, another student walked past me at what, for her, I am sure was a normal, regular walking speed. I just started crying, tears escaping from their tear-duct prison, streaming down my face. I felt so helpless and pathetic.  It’s little emotional outbursts like these lately that have been making me feel like I am going absolutely crazy.

I miss moving at a normal rate. I feel like my whole life has been put on hold. I miss my work and being able to keep up with everyone. I am tired of battling with professors. I just want to go back to my normal life; school, writing for the paper, making lots of fun crafty things, even working in telemetry, I miss it all. The worst part right now is that I feel lost. Usually, I am able to fix my own problems or at the very least I can do something to make them better. This is one of the biggest obstacles I have come upon in my life.

But while it is difficult, I am thankful for it. It could be so much worse. While right now I am emotionally going crazy, I know that this is the bottom of the barrel and it’s only up from here. I have learned a lot about my own will-power, which I have always thought I haven’t had much of, and I am also using this opportunity to set new goals for myself. For a long time now I have been looking down into this pit of despair,  refusing to let go of the past that brought me here. But I am learning to look up, to imagine the future instead of obsessing about the past. To see the many new, fun adventures ahead of me.

It feels good, great even. I’m a whole different same old me, and she is a pretty cool chick.

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One thought on “Daily Thoughts 4.26.13 – Overly Emotional

  1. You said one sentence that I always told myself 8 years ago: “it could always be worse”. Always remember that girl! Look what you just wrote! If you don’t think that doesn’t inspire others and encourage others you’re mistaken. And if that fails… Do what I did , dig out a hook and some yarn! Luv ya!

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