With news of unexpected surgery — and the long process of the unknown that lead up to this news — I have been what I would consider an emotional nutcase lately. Those of you who know me well know that I like to be busy and I am more productive the busier I am. So this whole not working thing has been driving me crazy. I went from working three jobs to now kind-of working one. I have been going to physical therapy to learn how to walk without limping and learning to trust that my leg that I can’t really feel is actually there. It leaves me walking very slowly and cautiously, but I can walk without limping which is ultimately better for my back.
Yesterday I was leaving my night class and I was in a fair amount of pain after sitting for two hours, so I was slowly inching my way toward my car. I felt like a snail. All of the sudden, another student walked past me at what, for her, I am sure was a normal, regular walking speed. I just started crying, tears escaping from their tear-duct prison, streaming down my face. I felt so helpless and pathetic. It’s little emotional outbursts like these lately that have been making me feel like I am going absolutely crazy.
I miss moving at a normal rate. I feel like my whole life has been put on hold. I miss my work and being able to keep up with everyone. I am tired of battling with professors. I just want to go back to my normal life; school, writing for the paper, making lots of fun crafty things, even working in telemetry, I miss it all. The worst part right now is that I feel lost. Usually, I am able to fix my own problems or at the very least I can do something to make them better. This is one of the biggest obstacles I have come upon in my life.
But while it is difficult, I am thankful for it. It could be so much worse. While right now I am emotionally going crazy, I know that this is the bottom of the barrel and it’s only up from here. I have learned a lot about my own will-power, which I have always thought I haven’t had much of, and I am also using this opportunity to set new goals for myself. For a long time now I have been looking down into this pit of despair, refusing to let go of the past that brought me here. But I am learning to look up, to imagine the future instead of obsessing about the past. To see the many new, fun adventures ahead of me.
It feels good, great even. I’m a whole different same old me, and she is a pretty cool chick.