Putting the past in the past – Daily Thoughts 6.25.13

Two months ago I hobbled, almost being carried by my fiance, into the neurosurgeon’s office and was told that I had to have spinal surgery.

I cried.

I was so afraid. I was in pain. I wasn’t myself.

Today, I walked, with my head held high and a spring in my step into that same neurosurgeon’s office. I am six weeks post-op, and this is the best I have felt in about a year. 

Besides some back stiffness from sleeping on a futon — who’s back doesn’t hurt after a few months on one of those? — this is the best I have felt in almost a year.

I have so many angry and upset emotions over this (see my previous post ‘Modern medicine can’t fix my broken heart‘) and I think I am finally ready to put all those feeling in the past.

I have never ever been a person who can hold a grudge. I usually tell people how I feel right up front and then forgive and forget. Sometimes it bothers me that I can’t hold grudges longer because even though I don’t like to be angry with people, there are a few times in my life where I wish I just could stay angry. I always forgive or just move on. Sooner or later, usually sooner, I find myself being nice and wanting to help this person who has jilted me. I get hurt all over again.

With this back injury, I didn’t have a person to blame. I certainly couldn’t blame the patient I was helping when I hurt my back. That person was much worse off than I was, even after my back injury.

So I blamed the profession.

Up until about three hours ago, I was still in this two-year-long anger cycle, a love/hate relationship where I was filled with hatred that I couldn’t work as a paramedic anymore, but I loved the job so much that I wanted to continue working even though it ruined my body, and in turn, my spirit.

But walking out of that neurosurgeon’s office today, I feel good. I am happy. My back is great, and I have a new profession that I am finally ready to fully embrace.

I am sad that I can’t work in the back of an ambulance anymore, but all of this heartbreak that I have been unable to let go of for the last two years — even though if it were a person I was angry with I would have only been able to hold the grudge for two weeks at most — I am happy that I am finally able to get this burden of anger out of my mind.

More importantly, I finally feel ready to jump head-first into journalism. I feel that I have only been dipping my toes in to test the waters. I am excited to see where this goes. I am finally excited to give it my all.

Don’t get me wrong, I have worked hard on what I have already written for the student newspaper and for my classes, but I know that I can do better, I know I have been holding back. I feel ashamed that I have been holding a grudge so big that it has kept me from really going out and trying, especially when I have encouraged so many others to go out and do things, while I am cowering in my mind.

So here’s to my better back, better body (just being able to walk properly over the last six weeks, I have lost 10 pounds) and a better mind.

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One thought on “Putting the past in the past – Daily Thoughts 6.25.13

  1. Pingback: Putting my foot in my mouth – Daily Thoughts 6.28.13 | Writing My Ticket

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