Insomnia – Daily Thoughts 5.2.13

It is almost 5:00 a.m.

I am still awake. I do not like this.

Luckily, I am still awake because I can’t find a position to lay in without having pain.

“Luckily? Why does she say luckily?? That sounds miserable!”

Yes, it seems strange, but I say that because I am glad I am not awake due to insomnia

When I was in high school I had insomnia — legit insomnia, doctor diagnosed blah blah blah — I would be awake, laying in bed wishing and praying for sleep. Usually finally falling asleep around 4:00 a.m.

Looking back, I think it was more of an anxiety problem. I would lay awake thinking about anything and everything my brain could come up with to keep me from falling asleep.

Tonight is much the same. I am sitting, walking, pacing the hallways of my apartment, waiting for my surgery, wishing tomorrow was the day, but I’m also anxious.

I am really afraid of this surgery.

I am afraid because, as in most cases of every surgery, the surgeon cannot definitively say “I’m going to do this and it’s going to help you.”

I’m worried that something is going to go wrong in the middle of the surgery and they are going to have to do a spinal fusion. Fusions in your low back are one of the worst things you can do. They almost always make your problems worse by transferring the problem to the disks above and below the area that you had fused. And guess what the only treatment is for that pain? More fusions! Until your whole spine is fused and you are unable to bend or twist your entire back. And even then there is a possibility that you will still have the same pain you had in the first place.

I am getting a little irrational, but when you are up at night and there is nothing to do but try to fall back to sleep, your irrational fears and worries invade your mind. It’s a horrible battle to get rid of them, the only thing that seems to help is the morning sun. Leaving you dreary and tired to face the day.