One of the biggest problems that I have been dealing with lately is a feeling like I am letting people down and feeling like I am letting myself down.
I feel guilty that I cant work in the trucks anymore. I feel ashamed, like my old co-workers look at me and think I’m a failure. I feel bad that I can’t be as involved in my classes as I would like because some days I simply cannot walk.
I know it’s silly, I know that all that kind of thinking does is ruin me, ruin my attitude.
Sometimes I feel like there was something I could have done to prevent my disk from herniating. I feel like maybe I did something to deserve it, or maybe it happened to prevent me from something worse.
I lay in bed at night and think about ways I could have prevented my back injury. The longer I think, the more abstract and ridiculous the ideas become.
“Well, if I would have just stuck with one of the millions of times I tried to lose weight, then this wouldn’t have happened … Maybe if I was just stronger, when I was lifting the cot, my back wouldn’t have spazzed out … If I never became a paramedic or got interested in EMS … If I would have applied myself more in high school and found something else I liked to do … Maybe if I hadn’t jumped off of the swings at the playground so many times … If I was born in May instead of June …
The longer I think, the crazier it gets.
Now just to be clear, I know that this is all absurd, nonsensical and even comical. But as my Mom would say, I inherited my Dad’s penchant of worrying about things that don’t matter. Mix that with my unhinged, creative imagination and scary things start to happen.
What I am really trying to say is this; If, over the next two weeks, I am acting strange, extremely quiet, anxious or just seem down, it’s probably because I am worrying about letting you down, or something else equally silly.
Also, thank you to all those who have sent me happy thoughts, messages and emails. I appreciate them!